What Really Counts

Do clean floors really matter?  When I am fifty do I want to look back on my life to say "and I had a clean house?"  It was upon spending the morning playing games with my beautiful little girl that I realized - they really don't!   I am not suggesting that I suddenly replace cleanliness with puzzles and dress-up all the time.  Yet maybe, just maybe, I don't need to mop my kitchen floor on a daily basis.  Yes, perhaps I can turn a blind eye to that itty bitty dust bunny in the corner (that nobody really sees) and devote that time to the more important things in life - like an extra story read to Kate at bedtime. 

I've found myself in a struggle since returning to work.  I'm struggling to balance motherhood, career, fitness and all the other things that we adults have to do in life.  And I find myself reluctantly admitting that, perhaps, I need to lower the bar just a little.  In the big picture of life, one Monday morning spent making pancakes and reading a story versus going to the gym is not that big of a deal.  Really!  

So today, in this moment, I am taking a step back to remember what's really important in life.  The people I love, my family, my friends ... my daughter.  Life is too short to waste your time obsessing about that closet in disarray or that load of laundry that can really wait until tomorrow and yes, even that 26 inch waist (kissed that dream away long ago).  Instead spend it building relationships, living dreams .... creating memories.

Utmost Good Faith

Have you ever had a million different people telling you a million different things?  Okay, while a million may be a slight exaggeration, that is exactly what is happening to me.  And I'm confused.  I've never been so confused in my entire life.  Who do I believe?  Who do I trust?  At the end of the day I am not sure.  My heart tells me one thing, but my head tells me another.  I'm not writing all this down to attack, I am simply being honest and open about where I am.

There is a term we use in insurance called "utmost good faith."  In a nutshell when you buy an insurance policy your insurer relies upon the facts that you give them when they decide whether or not to accept or reject the risk.  Misrepresentation and blatant lies not only affect your coverage but everyone else's as well.  The insurer also has a legal obligation to disclose all information which would influence any decision for you to enter into the contract. Utmost good faith that applies to both the parties - both are legally held to a superior standard of honesty.  

You may be wondering where I am going with this and here it is.  I (knowing myself as I do) would never mislead a person or fail to disclose a pertinent fact that may influence how they think or feel about me - even at the expense of hurting that person.  Selfishly, most people might attempt to misrepresent the facts for their own personal gain or purpose.  They may even think that they are getting away with it and, for awhile, they might.  Eventually it will backfire and they will be the one left with nothing.  Just a simple (yet sometimes scary) act of telling the truth could have avoided it all.   

So when I am confused I rest assured knowing this fact: the truth always comes out in the end.  Truth will set you free.

Encounters

We all encounter people who come into our life for a season, for a reason.  I've learned so many lessons from the people I've met in my lifetime.  Lessons about myself, human nature, values, hypocrisies, lies and truth.  It is those lessons that not only shape the person I am, but influence the person I am evolving to be.   And I can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when I die I want the people who knew me to say that while I may not have been perfect I was loving, honest, loyal and kind. To say I did unto others what I would have had them do unto me - no matter how I was treated.  That I was Christian ... and not in the religious sense of the word.

I suppose I could abandon the high road in life. I could live with the vain, shallow and self-serving attitude that so many people seem to embrace today.  Yes, it sounds so much easier.  Then again, I'd probably die lonely and miserable.  I'd be that person in the old age home who nobody goes to see.  Washed up and bitter ... alone.  Because selfishness leaves you bankrupt.  But selflessness?  It makes you rich.  Rich in the things that really matter.

Imperfection

People who have made mistakes can accept those who are making mistakes.  They can look beyond their faults and see the person, the soul laying underneath.  And then they can love.

I'm so imperfect!  Wow!  If I was to try and sit down and list all the stupid things I've done, bad choices I have made - well, I'm not sure I could even recount them all.  All I needed then was someone to accept, appreciate and love me inspite all my shortcomings.  Someone who could recognize the heart of Lindsay.  And I'll never forget thinking that you can't find a person like that.  They don't exist.

Having Kate really was the best thing that could ever have happened to me because it forced me out of making selfish decisions that were not necessarily always good.  It rattled me back to reality, back to priorities.  I grew up, I changed.  I am aware of who I am and what I won't compromise.  All I need now is a person to accept, appreciate and love me because I'm Lindsay.  A person! With a name, a family, a story, a heart.

So now I know that the greatest gift I ever received was from the people who showed me love inspite of it all.  And I know that the greatest gift I can ever give is to show people that they're worthy of love.  We're all worthy of love.

Spring

If my life could be measured in seasons ... spring is in the air!  Spring ... when all things are new, rejuvenated and full of potential.   I'm awakening, growing, changing and I'm filled with hope, happiness and love ... yes, love!  Love for the girl I was yesterday and the woman I am today.  Love, inevitably accompanied with acceptance.  Acceptance of the mistakes, hurts and regrets of my younger years.  And, now, I'm finally free!  Free of the burdens I've been carrying ... the anger, insecurity and the fear.  


Experience and learning usher in growth and I boldly plunge ahead, embracing all that life is bringing my way.  I'm still the same Lindsay I've always been, only seasoned - peppered with life's twists and turns.  When one journey ends there's always a new one on the horizon.  Instead of dreaming for a happy ending ... I'm living for my new beginning.  


Buzz Lightyear, you said it best ... "to infinity and beyond!"

Perspective

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first,
and the house later.

I'd finger-paint more,
and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting
and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch
and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less
and know to care more.

I'd take more hikes
and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious,
and seriously play.

I would run through more fields
and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging
and less tugging.

I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.

I would be firm less often,
and affirm much more.

I'd model less about the love of power,
And more about the power of Love.

Author Unknown

Bad Hair Days

I am never satisfied.  I mean, never!  It is translated into every single area of my life.  Health, fitness, home, school and career.  No matter how good it gets, it's never enough.  It can always be better in my book.

As a mother I am my own worst critic.  How am I reacting to a particular situation or learning curve?  Have I been patient enough?  Does Kate exercise enough?  Were the meals healthy enough?  Did she talk enough?  Did I love enough?  I could write a thousand questions I ask myself on a daily basis.   I have so many hopes for my dear Kate.  I want her to be smart, accomplished, motivated, confident, loving and kind.  I've always believed that as parents it is our sole responsibility to provide the model of what we want our children to become.  If we want them to be kind, we must be kind.  Plainly speaking, if you can't do it yourself why should you expect them to?

I read a quote once that stuck with me - "Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be."  That, right there, defines why I am so hard on myself.  Am I being what I want Kate to be?  Did I do good today?  Sadly, there are days when the answer is simply "no."  But, tonight when I go to sleep, it will be with the knowledge that tomorrow is a new day.  A new opportunity to do better than today.  I can either rise to the challenge or I can sit and worry that I'll never be good enough.  See that is what I love about being a mother.  You can't sit and feel sorry for yourself.  You have to get up and get at 'em.  

No, I'll never be satisfied until I can comfortably say that I've done everything in my power to be better, live better and love better.  I know I'll never obtain perfection. What I do know?  A good hair day will always follow a bad one.