What Really Counts

Do clean floors really matter?  When I am fifty do I want to look back on my life to say "and I had a clean house?"  It was upon spending the morning playing games with my beautiful little girl that I realized - they really don't!   I am not suggesting that I suddenly replace cleanliness with puzzles and dress-up all the time.  Yet maybe, just maybe, I don't need to mop my kitchen floor on a daily basis.  Yes, perhaps I can turn a blind eye to that itty bitty dust bunny in the corner (that nobody really sees) and devote that time to the more important things in life - like an extra story read to Kate at bedtime. 

I've found myself in a struggle since returning to work.  I'm struggling to balance motherhood, career, fitness and all the other things that we adults have to do in life.  And I find myself reluctantly admitting that, perhaps, I need to lower the bar just a little.  In the big picture of life, one Monday morning spent making pancakes and reading a story versus going to the gym is not that big of a deal.  Really!  

So today, in this moment, I am taking a step back to remember what's really important in life.  The people I love, my family, my friends ... my daughter.  Life is too short to waste your time obsessing about that closet in disarray or that load of laundry that can really wait until tomorrow and yes, even that 26 inch waist (kissed that dream away long ago).  Instead spend it building relationships, living dreams .... creating memories.

Utmost Good Faith

Have you ever had a million different people telling you a million different things?  Okay, while a million may be a slight exaggeration, that is exactly what is happening to me.  And I'm confused.  I've never been so confused in my entire life.  Who do I believe?  Who do I trust?  At the end of the day I am not sure.  My heart tells me one thing, but my head tells me another.  I'm not writing all this down to attack, I am simply being honest and open about where I am.

There is a term we use in insurance called "utmost good faith."  In a nutshell when you buy an insurance policy your insurer relies upon the facts that you give them when they decide whether or not to accept or reject the risk.  Misrepresentation and blatant lies not only affect your coverage but everyone else's as well.  The insurer also has a legal obligation to disclose all information which would influence any decision for you to enter into the contract. Utmost good faith that applies to both the parties - both are legally held to a superior standard of honesty.  

You may be wondering where I am going with this and here it is.  I (knowing myself as I do) would never mislead a person or fail to disclose a pertinent fact that may influence how they think or feel about me - even at the expense of hurting that person.  Selfishly, most people might attempt to misrepresent the facts for their own personal gain or purpose.  They may even think that they are getting away with it and, for awhile, they might.  Eventually it will backfire and they will be the one left with nothing.  Just a simple (yet sometimes scary) act of telling the truth could have avoided it all.   

So when I am confused I rest assured knowing this fact: the truth always comes out in the end.  Truth will set you free.

Encounters

We all encounter people who come into our life for a season, for a reason.  I've learned so many lessons from the people I've met in my lifetime.  Lessons about myself, human nature, values, hypocrisies, lies and truth.  It is those lessons that not only shape the person I am, but influence the person I am evolving to be.   And I can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when I die I want the people who knew me to say that while I may not have been perfect I was loving, honest, loyal and kind. To say I did unto others what I would have had them do unto me - no matter how I was treated.  That I was Christian ... and not in the religious sense of the word.

I suppose I could abandon the high road in life. I could live with the vain, shallow and self-serving attitude that so many people seem to embrace today.  Yes, it sounds so much easier.  Then again, I'd probably die lonely and miserable.  I'd be that person in the old age home who nobody goes to see.  Washed up and bitter ... alone.  Because selfishness leaves you bankrupt.  But selflessness?  It makes you rich.  Rich in the things that really matter.

Imperfection

People who have made mistakes can accept those who are making mistakes.  They can look beyond their faults and see the person, the soul laying underneath.  And then they can love.

I'm so imperfect!  Wow!  If I was to try and sit down and list all the stupid things I've done, bad choices I have made - well, I'm not sure I could even recount them all.  All I needed then was someone to accept, appreciate and love me inspite all my shortcomings.  Someone who could recognize the heart of Lindsay.  And I'll never forget thinking that you can't find a person like that.  They don't exist.

Having Kate really was the best thing that could ever have happened to me because it forced me out of making selfish decisions that were not necessarily always good.  It rattled me back to reality, back to priorities.  I grew up, I changed.  I am aware of who I am and what I won't compromise.  All I need now is a person to accept, appreciate and love me because I'm Lindsay.  A person! With a name, a family, a story, a heart.

So now I know that the greatest gift I ever received was from the people who showed me love inspite of it all.  And I know that the greatest gift I can ever give is to show people that they're worthy of love.  We're all worthy of love.

Spring

If my life could be measured in seasons ... spring is in the air!  Spring ... when all things are new, rejuvenated and full of potential.   I'm awakening, growing, changing and I'm filled with hope, happiness and love ... yes, love!  Love for the girl I was yesterday and the woman I am today.  Love, inevitably accompanied with acceptance.  Acceptance of the mistakes, hurts and regrets of my younger years.  And, now, I'm finally free!  Free of the burdens I've been carrying ... the anger, insecurity and the fear.  


Experience and learning usher in growth and I boldly plunge ahead, embracing all that life is bringing my way.  I'm still the same Lindsay I've always been, only seasoned - peppered with life's twists and turns.  When one journey ends there's always a new one on the horizon.  Instead of dreaming for a happy ending ... I'm living for my new beginning.  


Buzz Lightyear, you said it best ... "to infinity and beyond!"

Perspective

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first,
and the house later.

I'd finger-paint more,
and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting
and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch
and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less
and know to care more.

I'd take more hikes
and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious,
and seriously play.

I would run through more fields
and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging
and less tugging.

I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.

I would be firm less often,
and affirm much more.

I'd model less about the love of power,
And more about the power of Love.

Author Unknown

Bad Hair Days

I am never satisfied.  I mean, never!  It is translated into every single area of my life.  Health, fitness, home, school and career.  No matter how good it gets, it's never enough.  It can always be better in my book.

As a mother I am my own worst critic.  How am I reacting to a particular situation or learning curve?  Have I been patient enough?  Does Kate exercise enough?  Were the meals healthy enough?  Did she talk enough?  Did I love enough?  I could write a thousand questions I ask myself on a daily basis.   I have so many hopes for my dear Kate.  I want her to be smart, accomplished, motivated, confident, loving and kind.  I've always believed that as parents it is our sole responsibility to provide the model of what we want our children to become.  If we want them to be kind, we must be kind.  Plainly speaking, if you can't do it yourself why should you expect them to?

I read a quote once that stuck with me - "Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be."  That, right there, defines why I am so hard on myself.  Am I being what I want Kate to be?  Did I do good today?  Sadly, there are days when the answer is simply "no."  But, tonight when I go to sleep, it will be with the knowledge that tomorrow is a new day.  A new opportunity to do better than today.  I can either rise to the challenge or I can sit and worry that I'll never be good enough.  See that is what I love about being a mother.  You can't sit and feel sorry for yourself.  You have to get up and get at 'em.  

No, I'll never be satisfied until I can comfortably say that I've done everything in my power to be better, live better and love better.  I know I'll never obtain perfection. What I do know?  A good hair day will always follow a bad one.    

Distractions

I was mortified when I opened my "junk" drawer today and found piles of....junk!  Yes, even my junk drawer is normally perfectly tidy and organized.  How did this happen?  I feel as though I've completely neglected things.  The worst part is that I haven't even seemed to notice!  So while I sorted and wiped, discarding things I'll never use, I took the time to think about other departments in my life that I've been slacking on.

God.  Church.  I haven't been to church in nearly a month.  Now, though I've never been someone who goes to church every single week, I certainly attend more than once a month!  In fact, I normally go to church at least once every two weeks.  I am ashamed.  You know when you forget to call your family on their birthday or other such important event in life?  That is how I feel about neglecting my relationship with God.  God was faithful in the hardest hour of my life.  He provided all my needs. When I was alone my relationship with Him brought a real comfort.  What do I go and do when things get good?  I forget to "call" God.  "Hey, God!  How's it going?  Just wanted you to know I love you."  Laugh all you want, that is really how I pray!  

I have never been a religious person.  I've always referred to myself as a "doubting Thomas."  I spent years of my life acknowledging that there was a God and that was about it.  When times got rough I decided to give God a go.  Isn't it funny how humans do that?  We give faith a shot when we've got nothing else to turn to.  I was humbled to discover that God really is there and He really does care.  He provided for all my needs.  I owe it all, everything I have today, to His faithfulness to me in the last year.  I didn't deserve it and I knew it.  

Yet, while life was stormy, it was easy to keep focused on God.  Yeah, I needed Him around!  I had to remind Him that I was there.  Now life is good again and I suddenly forget God.  Talk about a fair weather friend!  God was easy to remember when I had no friends to call or things to do on the weekend.  He was easy to remember when I was lonely.  God wasn't far from my mind when I was sad. 

Yes, I've let life distract me a little too much lately.  I've gotten all caught up in summer and fun and friends.  There's nothing wrong with that unless, and until, you begin to neglect other, more important things.  God - eternity...I know I can find a little time to devote to something as great as that.  I can and I will.  

Sunny with a little cloud

You know what I love about today?  I am happy.  I have a reason to be a little sad but I am not going to go there.  I've spent too many months being sad this year.  No, May has been my sunny month and even though a little clouds rolled in at the end I'm not going to let that rattle my spirits.

I got where I am today because I am strong.  I am a strong, independent and driven woman.  Life has taught me that.  When I fall down, I get right back up.  If I fail, I try again.  When I don't know, I learn.  When I'm disappointed, I shake it off and move on.  I reflect upon my experiences.  And because I do those things I am strong - and proud.  I'm proud to be that woman.

So today I'm happy.  I'm happy and grateful for all the wonderful things I've got to look forward to.  No time to waste looking back and asking "what if I had done this?  Said that?"  Because everything happens for a reason and tomorrow is another day.  Fresh and new, with no mistakes in it.

Things I Love

God

Kate

Life

Family

Reading

Music

Friends

Laughing

Parties

Marilyn Monroe

Walking

Laying in the sun

Dancing when no one's around

Baking

Driving with the windows down

Tim Horton's

Summer

Water

Jet Skiing

Gym

Writing

Kissing

Candles

Bubble baths

Talking to strangers

Cuddling

Giving Gifts

Children

Sarcasm

Secrets

Hugs

Helping others

Solitude

Impressions

You never see yourself the way that others see you.  So many times I am surprised when I hear an observation of a friend or family member.  Good or bad, the things people see are fascinating to me.  I spend a lot of time wondering exactly how they arrive at a certain conclusion and what am I subconsciously doing to facilitate it?  

A very good friend of mine once told me that when she first met me she was intimidated and felt that I was unapproachable, even a little snobby.  I was never so shocked in my entire life!  I've always felt I was friendly and down-to-earth.  I'm glad that she didn't write me off then and there.  We both would have missed out on a life-long friendship that is very special to me.

People say "you don't like me", to my great surprise.  Quite obviously I must when I invest a measure of my time and energy in getting to know a person.  Yes, it doesn't happen overnight that you are my best friend.  Maybe I won't tell you my deepest, darkest secret or let you in on everything I think.  I don't know everything about you - what you think or how you feel.  It takes time to develop the kind of friendship where you can just look at a person and know what they are thinking.

Let me tell you something life's taught me.  I won't always see myself the way that you see me.  Then again you might be wrong.  But if you dig beneath the surface I'm sure that you will find a friend who's not only faithful, but tender, loving and kind.    

Me

Loving

Honest

Faithful

Energetic

Persistent

Focused

Impatient

Argumentative

Organized

Different

Fun-loving

Outgoing

Independent

Genuine

Persnickety

Analytical

Forgiving

Generous

Gullible

Nurturing

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

I woke up this morning to the song "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" playing over and over in my head.  I love that song because it really hits the nail on the head about how I feel lately.  I just wanna have fun.  But I've got other priorities in life right now, like being a good mom to Kate, studying, working, keeping fit and creating a good future for my daughter and I.  I've always been the kind of person who puts everyone else first.  And being a mother, I can't stop that.  I still think about what Kate needs and wants first.  After that?  I don't care how selfish this sounds - I'm only thinking about me and what I want.  And this girl simply wants to have a little fun!


Let's get real for one minute.  I've spent nearly a year of my life cooped up in a house with a toddler.  I didn't know from one day to the next what was going to happen.  Day after day after day Kate and I would live our simple life, play games, take walks, make meals and read stories.  Then, at night when she was in bed, I would turn on my TV to watch another lame show, knowing that tomorrow not one thing was going to change.  It was just going to start all over again.  Don't misunderstand, I've never resented being a mother.  That part of my life is very fulfilling.  And children do consume pretty much 100% of your life, your energy - any mother will attest to that.  Mother's are still people.  I am fortunate in that I do have quite a bit of time during the month in which Kate is with her dad and I am free to do things for myself.  And maybe that is part of the problem on my hands.  I've gotten a taste at a life beyond what it's been for the last year and I like it, I like it a lot!


Why are you telling me all this you ask?  I'm opening up to something I wouldn't have wanted to ever admit before.  That I do want more in my life than just being a mom.  Having that will only make me a better mother at the end of the day.  When I think of my mom, I think I couldn't have a better mother.  Correction, I think no one could possibly have a better mother than the one I've got!  My mom was the best mother on earth.  Loving and nurturing, she guided us through life.  She did all the motherly things you're supposed to do.  She also was involved with ladies groups and the church.  She was in a band at one point.  She wrote and directed plays, entertained loads of people at our house and always had a good time.  None of that took away from mom being mom.  As her children we always knew that she'd be there.

So moving forward I'll continue to be the mother to Kate I've always been.  But when opportunity knocks at my door?   This momma's going to have her night out!

Blast From The Past

Is it just me or do we all look back on some of the people we've known or things we've done and simply shake our heads?  Sometimes we even hope that we never see those people or visit those places again.   Maybe it is just me, but I have people that I don't care to see again.  Not because they are horrible people.  Most of them I liked a lot.  It's because they make me think back to times in my life that just weren't my best.  It's human nature to want to only remember the good things.  Who wants to think about uncomfortable things?

I can honestly say that I am proud of most of my life.  There are a few years in my early twenties...those weren't the best days.  Regardless they were still part of my life and for a long time I have to admit that I was ashamed of those days.  For a few good years I really was able to forget all about them and then, boom, they all come flashing back while grabbing my early morning coffee on my way to work.  Right there, right in Tim Horton's, right in the same line.  And I'm chuckling!  I'm chuckling because I realize how much of a different person I am today.  How much that it really doesn't matter to me.  I've changed, I've grown up.

Two years ago, I would have kept my eyes on the ground and shuffled into line.  Not today!  With a smile, nod and pleasant hello I kept my head held high.  After all, I'm not the only person in the world who did stupid things.  I'm not the only person in that line who might be silently groaning thinking about the old days.  So I'm not going to walk around wondering if I might run into you-know-who and what will that be like.  Because, I ran into one of them today and I'm still standing here and laughing at the whole silly thing.  I didn't blow up in smoke.  Because those days certainly don't define these days.  And these days I'm a thousand times the girl they knew. 

How glorious to know that during our life we live, learn and, hopefully after all that, we laugh.

Innocence

If you were to ask my parents what kind of child I was they would undoubtedly boast that I was a sweet child. I never got in trouble. Okay I can remember being spanked twice and to this day I still blame both of those on my brother. He accused me of giving him the middle finger (which I did) but I didn't know what it meant (honestly, I was THAT innocent). When my mom asked me if I gave Donny the finger I said I didn't and I really wasn't lying - I had no idea what she was talking about. Well, I got sent to my room all afternoon to think about my behavior and wait for dad to get home (we all know what that means). I clearly remember sitting in my room the entire afternoon thinking "when dad comes home and gives me my spank I am NOT going to cry, I've done nothing wrong. They are so unfair! I haven't lied - I don't know what they are talking about. I hate Donny." Donny, if you are reading this you know how much I love you! Like clockwork around 6pm came the dreaded thump thump of dad's work boots on the porch and then the hushed whispering in the kitchen. After dad gave me the "spank" I remember him turning me around and I stood there glaring at him, holding hot tears back and refusing to cry. In one blink of an eye I heard him shout "are you defying me? get over my knee!" Ha! I can promise you, on that second spank I ever got? I cried!

The big thing that sticks out in my head when I think about that story is that I was an innocent girl. I'm not talking about the average innocence of your average child. I mean all the other kids knew what the middle finger meant, yet I did not. Why was that? Probably because when I was a little girl I was more concerned with playing dolls, dress-up, Little House on the Prairie and practicing to be a mommy one day. Anne of Green Gables was my hero and Road to Avonlea was my favorite show. My innocence was in part due to the upbringing I had but it can't be blamed entirely on that. In my heart I've always been tender, never concerned with ugly things and always clinging to the romantic idea of "happily ever after." Yes, I was such an innocent child - too innocent perhaps but if I had to go back I wouldn't change that. I'm proud of that.

Looking back on my late teens and early twenties I see so clearly how my young, girlish innocence was reflected in so many of my experiences.  It was almost as though I couldn't believe that people could truly be as selfish and uncaring as they were (at least the ones I had the "privilege" to know).  That people use each other in the way they do.  I knew what was in my heart and I wanted to believe that must be in their's too.  I was always trying to believe that it was better than it really was.  And I think that is why I continued in some of the unhealthy relationships I did.  I'm not using innocence as an excuse.  I wish I would have grown up faster, tuned into truth quicker.  I was looking for love in all the wrong places.  Big surprise I didn't find it!

Now, nearly a decade later, I'm no fool.  I've been around the block, so to speak.  I don't live in a fantasy land or lie to myself about what's potentially really happening.  But it doesn't change that in my heart I'm still that  young, innocent girl.  A girl who wants to love and to be loved.  To be accepted and adored, what woman would say that they didn't want that?  What man?  Humans. We all want to belong.  The difference for me now is that I won't settle.  I don't want a fleeting love.  I want that complete, consuming love that lasts a lifetime.  If I only find it when I'm eighty it will have been worth the wait.  It won't be perfect, because nothing is.  But it will be perfect enough for me.

25 Random Things

I can't believe that in only two blog posts I've already received such an amazing, overwhelming response from my friends and loved ones. One person in particular sticks out in my mind. She sent me a list today of 25 things she thinks that people might like to know about her. My friend told me how she has a hard time letting people in, she's private and doesn't want just anyone to know just anything about her. I totally relate with that. I can count on one hand the amount of people I would really share my thoughts with. The rest of my friends know me as I am today. They don't really know much about who I am, what I believe or where I come from. But would it really hurt if they knew just a little bit more about me? So my friend, you know who you are, here is my list of 25 things that I think people might like to know about me.

1. Faith is very important to me, primarily faith in God.
2. I have a hard time labeling myself a "Christian" and prefer to say I'm "spiritual."
3. I have a beautiful daughter, Kate, who's given my life fulfillment and purpose.
4. My favorite color is pink.
5. My favorite movie is Gone With The Wind and I can nearly quote it word for word.
6. Mom is my best friend and I can tell her anything and everything.
7. I am the oldest of four kids, one brother and two sisters.
8. I wore a bonnet everywhere I went until I was - well just never mind about that.
9. Our house was completely destroyed in a fire when I was eight, we lost everything we owned.
10. I cried for two days straight when Sergei Gringkov died. Oh dear!
11. I fall for everything. Hook, line and sinker. I'm the best person to play a practical joke on.
12. I love spicy food.
13. I had my eleventh birthday in Guyana, South America. My parents were on the mission field there. We lived in a village where there was no electricity, plumbing or roads. The only way off the island was by speed boat.
14. I hate seafood. I will say as I get older I am learning to appreciate it a little more.
15. Material things don't matter to me.  I like to have nice things but can do well without them.  Presentation means everything.
16. My dad died when I was two. I wish I would have known him.
17. I spent nearly four years in the military. No, I was NOT a sniper.
18. I went to Bible College for two years. Hated it.
19. Fitness is very important to me and I love to exercise. I'm always striving to have a better body.
20. I love junk food. Yeah, I find I have to exercise just a little more to make up for that one. It's a work in progress.
21. If I could do one thing for the rest of my life and get paid it would be to go to school. I love everything about school. Learning, homework, studying, exams - the whole nine yards.
22. I wish I could say that my favorite book was the Bible, but it's far from it. Maybe it's because I was raised on it and I know it front to back. I personally like true crime, historical romances, fantasy and suspense.
23. I love a good deal and hate paying full price for anything.  I'm always looking for a good bargain!  I think if I was a millionaire I would still be like that, it's in my blood.  Maybe I'd be a little more frivolous if I was rich.
24. I am a clean freak. I like cleaning so much that I do it for fun. I clean when I'm bored, I clean when I'm stressed, I clean when I'm happy. I simply clean, clean, clean all the time!
25. When I love, I love with all my heart, soul and mind. I commit myself to that love wholly and completely. I give all of myself and expect all of that person in return.

So there you have it! 25 random things that make me the person I am. Some great, some not so great. Take it or leave it. I kinda like me just the way I am.

Control, Control, Control

I love to be in control. I hate being unprepared or caught off guard. I feel vulnerable and insecure when I don't know what is going to happen. I wish I had a GPS for life. I wonder how many times I would have turned right instead of left had I had one of those?

My mom once told me that there is no recipe, no magic formula that you can adhere to and have a perfect life. We can never prepare ourselves for the people we'll encounter or the circumstances that life will throw our way. Being a mother myself, I am learning everyday that I really don't have nearly as much control in life as I would like to think! Kate has taught me that I can never be completely prepared for what the day will bring. A certain degree of flexibility must be introduced in order to accommodate her development and her needs. It's not just about me. Sometimes that means that I don't have the cleanest house in town or the groceries just didn't get done because Kate threw a temper tantrum in the middle of the store.

Yes, I can't control my life. Accepting that is a glorious feeling. What I can control, what I will control is the way in which I choose to live my life. With love, with laughter and with grace. I can take the high road and live so that my daughter has a mother to be proud of. I can show my daughter there is beauty in imperfection. Yes, Kate, I will show you that life is an adventure and you never know what's going to come at you next. And when you let go of that control you're free to soar.

Naked

Masks. They surround us at every turn. We mask our bodies with our clothes. Makeup disguises imperfect skin complexion and tone. High heels distort our height, spanks our waistline. These are just a few of the physical "masks" we put on each and everyday. That closet filled with high-end brand names? Probably a good distraction from your dwindling bank account or pitiful financial situation. Perhaps it simply comforts you to know that you might only have 100 dollars to your name but no one would ever "Guess."

Someone has recently challenged me to pull off the mask, give a glimpse to the Lindsay underneath the surface of what the average friend sees and knows. It wasn't until that friend started asking questions, simple questions really, that I realized just how great of a wall I've built around myself in the last year of my life. What is it that makes it so hard to tell someone new in your life a little story about you? I can truly understand their frustration. I'm equally as frustrated with myself! The inevitable truth in this situation is not that I am afraid to tell my friend about me, who I am, where I come from, the things I've done - good and bad. I'm not ashamed of my past and I truly do have the attitude that my past has made me the person I am today. A woman, mother, daughter and friend that I am fiercely proud to be. Any person who truly wants to know me or who cares about me will realize that simple fact.

What I'm really afraid of here is possibility. Possibility for something wonderful, different and surprisingly refreshing. After all the criticism, never being good enough and the final, devastating failure of my relationship with Richard, I was left empty, rejected and utterly alone. I shudder thinking back on those days, not even a year ago. I don't want to believe that it happened. I want to look at today and think, it's always been this way. I'm not a little girl living in fantasy land, I don't forget the ugliness of it all. I don't forget.

Now I'm rebuilding, life is getting better and possibilities lie before me. Possibilities to have new friends, dreams, hopes, accomplishments and experiences. Possibilities to love completely and be completely loved in return. I have to decide. Do I want those things? Am I willing to risk more squashed hopes? Am I willing to let someone in and risk them walk away? I've been told that without the risk of rejection I won't find the comfort of acceptance. That sounds so much easier for them! At the end of the day I can reject that person, tell them I never want to see them again and they move on to their life as it was before they met me. They go back to their friends or families. I? I go back to my empty apartment on Friday night, look at the clock and realize it's too late to phone home. I go back to Facebook and blogging. I go back to being alone.

So now for the moment of truth. In my heart I want to bare it all, strip down naked and say here I am! Flaws and all, to hell if you don't like it. I've made mistakes - who hasn't? But I've got a good heart, it's a pure heart. At the end of the day I might eat pizza and watch Sex and the City all alone on Friday night. Then again, I just might not.